


The Unforgiven

by MorganasCrow



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Depression, Despair, F/F, Light Angst, Loneliness, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-31
Updated: 2016-03-10
Packaged: 2018-04-29 03:59:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5115026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MorganasCrow/pseuds/MorganasCrow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Morgana has been sad since she was a child. Now she might have a chance to find happiness...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I.

"Her pain was life"  
\- Pantera (This Love)

Morgana was sitting in her room, her back against the central heating, her arms embracing her skinny little pale knees. The room was drowning in grey because of the sleet outside. The wet snow was covering the window like an eyelid of a dying person.  
Ygraine entered the room and watched the little girl sitting, swaying her head to and fro. She slowly came to little Morgana and knelt next to her baby girl.: "Morgana, sweetheart, would you like to go out and play with some other children?" Morgana's answer became so common in recent years... so common, yet still so confusing for either Ygraine, either Gorlois. "I want to go home," whispered the little girl. Even Morgana didn't understand what does this "home" represent yet.

* * *

Morgana is coming back from school. The dull, wet snow keeps covering her tracks. Suddenly Guinevere steps into her path and catches her forearm: "Hey, creep." Morgana is surrounded by Gwen, Vivienne, Helen, Catrina and Sophia. Morgana tried to run away, but she was overpowered.  
Morgana is laying on the ground, beaten down, her black eyes filling with tears. The girls are leaving, chattering. "She's weird," they mock. "She's weird!"

Morgana is sitting in the bathtub, feeling so sick. She wanted to leave this whole world behind. When mom is coming, she finds Morgana with her head underneath the surface.  
She takes Morgana out of the water, but she doesn't notice the bruises on her limbs. "I want to go home, mommy," she whispers. Morgana starts to realize what does this home mean, yet the whole picture is still lost in the haze of mist.

* * *

Morgana cannot take this bullying anymore. She feels nausea, her stomach doesn't work as it should. Morgana is kneeling next to the toilet, feeling terrible pain impaling, cutting and incinerating her innards. Spark the flame and let me burn, she thinks. Morgana vomits blood. She's scared and broken. She has already died. Her fragile glass heart was shattered by pain and neglect.

"I'm frozen by the fear in me,  
somebody make me feel alive and shatter me!"  
\- Lindsey Stirling ft. Lzzy Hale (Shatter Me)


	2. II.

"She's lost in the darkness, fading away,  
I'm still around here screaming her name.  
She's haunting my dreamworld, trying to survive,  
my heart is frozen, I'm losing my mind."  
\- Within Temptation (Lost)

Morgana is laying on the floor once again, beaten down, wounded. The gang of bullies slowly walks away. They are gone, but the lurkers in the shadows creep out to finish her. The demons are coming once again. They are raping the cadaver of her brain... Morgana is losing her mind.  
She cannot take this anymore. Morgana tried to find a way out - cutting, drowning, wounding... she's been beating her head against the wall over and over again until she collapsed onto the floor with bloodstains on her shattered eyebrow.

Two months later her wounds are healed. She wakes up and feels sick... nausea, headache, hyperventilation... it's one of her fits again. This time she will surely die. She screams.

* * *

Morgana is laying in the bed. She is surrounded by people in white gowns... doctors. Mom is crying: "She has broken down. She harmed herself and now she has almost died!" The doctors are neglectful. "Her wounds are healing well. And the physical effects - nausea, hyperventilation... it's psychosomatic. She's physically totally healthy... excluding those self-inflected wounds. She just needs psychotherapy."

* * *

Morgana has been okay for few years. Now she's sitting in her high school classroom. Alice tells her some stuff, but suddenly she morphs into another eight-headed demon. Morgana screams and curls up in a ball. Everything goes black and she just closes her eyes and wishes this all to end.

* * *

Morgana is sitting in the kitchen and tries not to look into mom's weary eyes. She whispers: "I want to go home, mommy. I just want to go home." She already sees the meaning of the home, but she denies to admit it's truth.

"With every try there's a little more bleeding  
as her heart is leaking.  
The crack, the cut, the shattered tears  
that hit the pavement!  
All she wants to do now is finish this!!  
\- Suicide Silence (Girl Of Glass)


	3. III.

"The pain too pure to hide."  
\- Emilie Autumn (The Art Of Suicide)

"Dream the same thing every night  
I see our freedom in my sight.  
No locked doors, no windows barred,  
no things to make my brain seem scared."  
\- Metallica (Welcome Home (Sanitarium)

Morgana has been held locked up in the asylum for eight years, tested. There emerged a GAD suspicion, but later was denied. Morgana was diagnosed depression. The pills she got prescribed were anything but helpful, so she stopped use them.  
Morgana was permanently drowning in depression, but she denied to admit she has a problem. She doesn't believe the world. She doesn't believe the world which has always hurt her. The world which has always despised her, detested her...  
During the time Morgana learnt how to wear a happy face on her gloomy inside. She mastered this art so well she deceived even the doctors in the asylum. She was released under the only condition of routine check ups... mere formality.  
Back in "normal" life behind the disguise Morgana met new friends. She actually stayed in touch with only one person - a blonde girl living next door. Morgause, sweetheart. They grew incredibly fond of each other. They were beautiful friends and maybe something more.

* * *

Morgana battles the gloomy thoughts again. She is sitting at the window lattice, the midnight breeze teasing her hair, seducing her to jump. But then she recalls Morgause's face and her ardent caress and she realizes there is a reason to live.

* * *

It's Morgause's birthday. They are having a wonderful time and Morgana feels the best in her life. She also wonders whether to ask Morgause for a right to kiss her cheek.

* * *

It's morning after Morgause's birthday. Morgana feels she hurt someone she loves again. She wants to go home. And now she finally realizes what this home stands for. She's not afraid anymore. Morgana espied a gleam of the world without the pain. So she just grabbed the razorblade and slit her wrists wide open.

* * *

Morgause wanted to see Morgana. She rang the doorbell, hiding behind the pretence of bringing the leftover cake. When Morgana doesn't respond, Morgause gets worried and runs to the housekeeper. As soon as he opens the door Morgause rushes in. Morgana is laying on the floor, her hands laced with crimson cuts. A tired girl they see no longer cares.

"She wants to go home  
and nobody's home.  
That's where she lies,  
broken inside."  
\- Avril Lavigne (Nobody's Home)


	4. IV.

"You've made me what I am today...  
A bundle of broken nerves."  
\- Emilie Autumn (Gothic Lolita)

When Morgana was younger, everybody was indifferent. She used to speak when they asked. She told them all how much she's scared... and no-one cared.

* * *

Morgana opens her eyes and feels something tightening her limbs... a straitjacket. They are taking me back into the madhouse - back towards the monsters, thinks Morgana. She is looking for a way out desperately, but she sees none.

\- - - - - - - - - -

Morgana is sitting in her cell, looking through the plastic window. Suddenly Morgause walks onto the scene. My darling, you will rescue me from this dark tower! thinks Morgana.  
Morgause is talking to the doctor... very long talk. Then she turns towards Morgana's room. But as soon as Morgana spots the tears shimmering in Morgause's eyes, her hopes shatter. Morgause's look's so full of despair when she turns and slowly walks away. And Morgana's heart rifts.

* * *

Morgana is laying on her bed in the sanitarium. Her heart is broken. Her mouth is tarnished with the bitter aftertaste of betrayal. Morgause left her alone. A poor girl is laying abandoned. And a teardrop cuts its way down Morgana's face.

"I turn to face the empty space  
where you used to lie,  
and look for the spark that lights the night  
through a teardrop in my eye."  
\- Ronny Cox (Ride On)

 


End file.
